Friendships come, friendships gone

I have reached a point in my life when i find myself questioning every single relationship (not necessarily romantic) that I have (had). I have gained much, and lost just as much. Sometimes it scares me to think that such is my fate and I will not know enduring relationships. Some other times, I wonder if that might not be the best for those around me and ultimately me.

Once upon a time, it felt like I had a decently solid social circle, and excluding the inevitable vendetta and rivalry I was okay. I was liked, I was a few notches below popular, life was good. This was back in high school, and it is a trend that carried over to my first job. Camaraderie and such, good times to be had. Again, some fights and vendettas but that’s normal. Then I go on a transition and another and another, and for a time I have few to no friends. 3 years go by where I am pretty lonely.

Then Warcraft happens… sorry, World of Warcraft. Lonely again. I meet people but they disappear so fast they are not even worth space in my memory bank. Yet more years go on, I get into what would be my home server for RP. Still overall lonely until Cataclysm rolls in and I happen to find a good enough RP guild.

And just like that, began a 3 to 4 year crash course in the fragility of friendships and human (?) interaction.

That first guild I joined, was solid. We met every night at a tavern and there was plenty of booze and songs. I made a few friends that looked solid at the time. I’ll call them Tobacco, Bartender, and Nurse, this based on the characters they roleplayed. We were like, a crew. We adventured together, fought together, we got wounded and patched up our wounds, went fishing, fell in love… this, I should clarify just in case, was mostly RP. But it was a social circle that you could actually look forward to meeting after a day’s work. Just like many go to a bar to meet with their friends for drink and merriment, just like that, but in a game. I really felt safe.

Then a lot of stuff happened, it’s like the people that were my friends and comrades, did a U turn both IC and OOC. Some left the game and walked away, some began to behave in quite an outlandish way, it was a surreal nightmare for me. They disappeared abruptly and I was, once again, left alone. (I have regained contact with all ‘members’ of this crew, but things were never the same and it is safe to say that you will never see us together again).

By sheer happenstance, I made another friend, I’ll call her Pintsize. We were pals, we adventured together, we were a duo. She saw me through some deep, murky waters, she was a source of support and fun. We had some quite nice adventures together, and when we and other friends formed a guild and I was named guildmaster, she was my second. It was perfect. But… things shifted again. I am not entirely sure how it happened, but we began to have issues… all of us. We had formed a pretty tight-knit crew, but I felt that they were shifting away from me. It was not a power game, at least I don’t think so… more like they were having their fun with little thought on what I wanted to do. At least, that is how I saw it. I’m sure that, if asked, the rest of that crew will likely have other versions of the story. But I am not here to point fingers, I’m just telling my side as I saw it.

It became unbearable to me, to the point where I could not take it anymore. I felt useless, superfluous, and it was pretty clear to me that they were having their fun without me, so I essentially left the guild, certain that they would endure without me. I did my best to make it clear that I was not leaving them, just the guild, and did what I could to keep the friendships strong. To no avail. That new friend I had made, my Pintsize pal, stopped talking to me altogether in spite of my best efforts. In the end I gave up. We talk again but nowhere near to what it once was, and I have had to write that friendship off.

During my tenure as guildmaster, I made another friend,  Noblewoman (odd that most of my meaningful interactions are with women, as well as my nastiest fallouts). The friendship I had formed with her looked solid and pretty much unbreakable. Noblewoman and I played a deep story together, but it began to degrade… fast. Very fast. There was a chain of nasty, unexpected events that ended in a rather explosive fallout. In the end, she left and although at the moment she implied she was planning to come back, I recently found out she made her home on another server and therefore it is unlikely she will return. And honestly, I think I prefer it that way.

As a result of this continuous making friends and losing them in spectacular fashions, I have become even more guarded than I was. It feels like leaning on anyone to the slightest degree is a sure way of hurting and losing them. And I can’t even find the word for how this makes me feel, because, believe it or not, the last thing I want to do is hurt those around me. I try, believe me. And yet, I fail.

I grow weary of hurting, for causing pain causes me pain. And in the process, I often feel like I forgot how to be good company. Perhaps I just don’t know how, and I am tolerated by sheer luck. I honestly have no idea right now. It is true that there are people to care, but getting close often means pain. So, every now and then, I feel weary and lost.

Is friendship intrinsically fragile? Or is it something that takes a specific mindset which I do not have? I sometimes wonder if I lack some kind of preparation. While a few may try to breathe optimism into my outlook, sometimes that optimism does not reach me. And that is not their doing, it is mine. I am emotionally weakened by an ordeal I have been undergoing. A door in my life is almost closed, by my hand, and while I do not regret it, it renders me emotionally fragile. I’ll talk more about it soon enough.

I apologize for the potentially grim tone of these words, and I hope you will understand if such tone might carry on for a while. It is where I stand right now, and this blog is my outlet. Thank you for reading me, and thank you for commenting.

See you next week.


2 Responses to “Friendships come, friendships gone”

  1. […] Friendships come, friendships gone ( […]

  2. […] Western Post–World War II baby boom or Generation X may have become disillusioned by their friendships they could or could not build up or could live up to. Confronted with the modern age technology […]

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